By the Numbers

Exactly 100 days ago I took the first dose of Zepbound, and if you know me, you know I like data. So here’s the breakdown of the past 100 days:

• Logged 168,634 calories including 11,024g of protein
• Spent 21h 50m in the gym burning 10,837 calories
• Stepped on the scale 76x
• Increased my muscle mass 15.1%
• Jabbed myself 15x in the thigh
• Dropped 5.6 points on the BMI scale
• Celebrated 3 major holidays
• Went on 3 trips
• Donated 2 bags of clothes that are too big
• Consulted 1 nutritionist
• Lost 42.0 lbs

So far this journey has been hard, challenging, exciting, scary, exposing, and overall absolutely worth it. Not only have I become physically healthier, but emotionally healthier. This process has provided so much context about my past relationship with food and how food addiction has played into my past struggles. I journaled on day 1 the suspicion that “this journey might be harder emotionally than physically” and that’s proven to be the case.

Sharing with the World

This journey started out as something I wasn’t ready to share with the world. Something that I needed to get comfortable with and figure out how it was going to change my day-to-day life without criticism and shame. Today I’m making my journal entries from the past one hundred days public, including stats and charts, in hopes that someone just starting their journey might take something from my experiences. I am in a place where I feel good about where I’m at and ready to answer any questions folks might have.

Food Addiction

When I first started this process, I never thought about being an addict or having an addiction. The food noise, that constant nagging to focus on food, immediately went silent. Overnight. It eventually crept back in a bit, but overall it’s about 2-3% of what it was before Zepbound.

The idea that this quietness could exist seemed surreal; the food noise has always been a part of my life. I can’t remember a time that I didn’t have it. But now that it’s here, I’ve been able to understand how others live their lives, without food at the center. Without having a voice constantly nagging about the next hit of tasty food to try and make me happy, however fleeting that might be. It has also given me the willpower to easily say no to a plate of cookies or ice cream, or to have just a literal bite and move on without wanting more.

It was no secret to me that I was using food for a coping mechanism. Food was the one constant in life that always brought happiness. Food, particularly tastey, unhealthy food, always gave me that dopamine hit – a hug. No matter where I was or what was going on, food was there as a pick-me-up. I couldn’t stop myself, I needed to feel better. I wanted to feel better. And food provided that. This is addiction. The UK’s NHS defines addiction as “not having control over doing, taking or using something to the point where it could be harmful to you.”

I never considered myself someone who would have an addiction, but given past trauma and today’s food that is engineered to make us want to eat more, maybe I shouldn’t have been. Processed food is so strong that even while on the higher 10mg, I found that Cheetos will override the full sensation and still make you crave them. I’m learning what foods are not even worth a taste and which foods are good in moderation.

(Not) Losing Myself

When I started this series, I titled it (Not) Losing Myself to be cute and punny. I wanted the title to be a nod to how I was going to lose weight, but also stay true to my core self. I never thought it would bring the changes it has. It turns out that I have lost myself, at least in parts. Parts that I didn’t know I could lose. Parts that I didn’t know were not part of my core self.

Overall, I am still processing what all of this means emotionally, but I am confident that I’m in a better place. I’m processing the idea that I have an addiction. I’m processing the fact that I created trust issues within myself due to my inability to control my food choices. I’m processing the fact that I look different. I’m processing the fact that some people think I’ve somehow cheated. It’s not an easy road, but it’s a worthwhile road.

I’ll be writing more about the emotional side of it all including the amazing support systems I have in place, body image, and shame. I look forward to sharing this as I’m able to process it all including progress updates and what life after I hit my goal might look like. Stay tuned!